Scuttlebutt Christmas Wishes

A “Sailor’s Christmas Carol” – from Scuttlebutt #3496 (Website:

(Courtesy of Captain Jeffry Matzdorff)
T’was the night before Christmas, I swung on the hook, With snowflakes a’landing, asleep with my book.
When up on the deck I heard footsteps and stuff, “I’ve been boarded!” I thought, and I tried to be tough.
Then down the companionway hatch came a dude, He was dressed like a nut and I thought, “I’m so screwed”.
But he laughed and he hummed as he surveyed my junk, So I figured he must be the resident drunk,
His eyes were lit up like a junkie on speed, But he gave me a whole bunch of stuff that I need.
Like rum and cigars and new charts and a dinghy, And some kind of fancy electrical thingy.
I knew it was stolen but I wasn’t telling, I just hoped he was giving and wasn’t just selling.
And I poured him a grog which he downed with a wink, Then I poured one for me (Lord I needed a drink!)
Then he staggered above to the dark snowy night, As I peeked I beheld an incredible sight.
Eight tiny dolphins and a beautiful sleigh, And the dude hopped aboard and prepared to make way.
The dolphins were ready to power the sled, But the guy raised a genny and mains’l instead.
With a burp and a chuckle he gathered the breeze, And called to the dolphins, now swimming with ease.
“Hey Stalker and FEMA and Cancer and Nixon!
Or Stinky and Pepper Spray, Mason, and Dixon!
Or whatever your names are, you cute little fishes, Here’s to every last sailor, my best Christmas wishes!”
As he sailed away leaving a wobbly wake
I hoped he had not many stops left to make.
He got close to shore and he soon was aground, But the dolphins proceeded to pull him around
And I heard him exclaim as he sailed out of sight, “Killer whales!! …
I’m just kidding, don’t be so uptight!”

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